The presidential race is heating up. Which is to say, the mudslinging can now begin in earnest. There are two candidates left, and we all know by now pretty much what each one stands for. One is for hope and change, the other is for superb AARP relations. No, no, joking. Sorry. If I get angry responses for even hinting that I dislike the book Twilight, think of the overflowing of dislike if I were to attempt to make a funny about that lovable Mr. McCain.
Besides, the “haha, John McCain is an OLDIE” is so overdone by now. It would be fairer to say that he’s just another Bush, that he stomps on kittens, and that he hates America. Except for the hating America and stomping on kittens bit.

But for all of this tempting-fate business, I think that both candidates are superb representations of their respective parties. I have immense respect for anyone who can stand the public gauntlet, the constant supervision, the derisive remarks from all angles. For anyone who will not collapse under the pressure. No matter what side you’re on, it would be silly to discount the courage it takes to subject oneself to the country that one loves.

Granted, it is our job as citizens to improve our political system by pointing out its flaws, and it is the job of politicians to listen to us, but still. Criticism is never, ever easy to take. Especially 24/7.
So congrats to all those in public office, past, present, and future. I may rarely agree with what you say (when Eugene Debs comes back from the dead and runs for office, tell me), but you have balls.

That said.
Some of the also-rans were absolute loons.

The following are actual candidates that announced their prospective bids for presidency. Reported to you, of course, using my brand of ASTOUNDINGLY unbiased commentary.

Frank Moore
Party: Independent (But more liberal than anything else. HE DOESN’T NEED YOUR CONSUMERISTIC LABELS, OKAY? Not all of us have to be mainstream, you little sheep!)
Platform: Mr. Moore works as a performance artist in his spare time. He has cerebral palsy, but that has not stopped him from being completely awesome. He plans to end welfare, instead giving each American $1,000 a month minimum salary. He stands for free healthcare and free education. And very creepy smiles.
Favorite ‘getting pumped’ song: “Eye of the Tiger,” Survivor
Favorite flavor of ice-cream: Punk Rock Peach
Secret motive: Wants a larger space to have performance art pieces/concerts—the White House would be perfect. Also, I have a small, sneaking suspicion that he doesn’t give a damn whether he wins or not, or even if the country needs change. He’s just in it for kicks.

Ron Paul
Party: Republican. That’s right, internet. He didn’t run as a Libertarian. Sorry to go and ruin your life.
Platform: Wants to abolish gun control, No Child Left Behind, and the Patriot Act. Wants our forces out of Iraq. Wants abortion to be illegal. Wants his eyebrows to be more manageable. Wants those people on the internet to stop making inane videos dedicated to him (but don’t we all?).
Favorite ‘getting pumped’ song: “Revolution,” The Beatles
Favorite flavor of ice-cream: Civil Liberties Citrus
Secret motive: To take a joyride or two in his campaign blimp. While enjoying his constitutional right to carry a gun. While enjoying his constitutional right to shoot that gun. While gliding conveniently above the Socialist Party International’s headquarters. While eating aforesaid ice-cream. And giggling jovially.

Mike Gravel
Party: Started Democrat, finished Libertarian—but no amount of switching around would get him votes.
Platform: Dropping rocks into large bodies of water and staring pensively off into the distance (read: AMERICA’S TUMULTUOUS FUTURE). Withdrawal of the troops from Iraq. A single-payer national healthcare system. Garnering more monetary support for his campaign (seriously, these days $500 will only get a politician a nice suit and a good haircut). Getting those darned kids off of his lawn.
Getting pumped song: “Drop It Like It’s Hot,” Snoop Dogg
Favorite flavor of ice-cream: Chocolate—no! No! Mint! No! Chocolate! No—screw this. He’ll just get a shake or something.
Secret motive: If elected, he would make Amber Lee Ettinger become “Gravel Girl” instead of “Obama Girl.”

Jackson Kirk Grimes
Party: United Fascist Union, the most redundant party ever
Platform: Promises to abolish major religions, and to replace them with “Roman Paganism.” Also, to “abolish paper money,” and to have a universal price index. To appear on the Jerry Springer show, and yell a lot (And yes, he actually was on Springer. You can tell how seriously he takes himself). To try and change his oddly descriptive last name.
Favorite ‘getting pumped’ song: Everyone knows that ‘getting pumped’ songs are symbols of liberal decadence. All you need, really, are startling ululations and chest-thumping.
Favorite flavor of ice-cream: Corporate Statism Cinnamon
Secret motive: Dude, did you just read his STATED motive?

Gene Amondson
Party: Prohibition party. Yes. It still exists.
Platform: DO NOT BYOB. Ever. It will be illegal. That’s pretty much all. They’re a single-issue party. I mean, they’re against abortion, pornography, the invention of the newfangled computer machine and all that. But those issues pale in comparison to alcohol consumption.
Favorite ‘getting pumped’ song: “What is this strange slang that I am hearing? Shall I rig my gramophone to your electrical transportation device, and have a listen? Perhaps my horse-drawn buggy will aid me in my quest. Oh yes. I get it! You wish to know which song makes me get up and shimmy (but not too vigorously- what scandal that would create!) Why, I do tend to favor classical music. That puts me in an excitable mood with each listen.”
-Gene Amondson, though not really
Favorite flavor of ice-cream: Non-Alcoholic Pina Colada
Secret motive: Wants to bring top-hats back into fashion.

End-disclaimer:
I mean no offense by any of this. At most, just fun poking-things-with-a-stick offense. No harm meant, nothing serious. If I were to make a serious political column (as I sort of said earlier), I have a feeling I’d be getting a deluge of angry responses. I tried to cover someone from all sides of the spectrum. Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, the far right, the far left, whatever. If looked at from the right angle, everything is funny.
…So please don’t come to my house and kill me.